My Girlfriend has given me Ultimatum on getting married soon. I am having Cold Feet. What to do?
I know my Girlfriend from around 6 Months. She used to live in a different town and now moved to my town as we together decided on our long term relationship. We both are in our Mid 30’s. We both have broken up in relationships with someone else in the past. In beginning of our relationship we had too many quarrels, it started with love, than lot of quarrels, we resolved that within each other, so we felt more love, but some of those quarrels and some of her attitudes, led me to a lot of compromise in order to get the relationship going. I dont mind compromising. I know i will have to compromise with one person or another in certain ways. I am willing to compromise. I have also given up a lot of the personal choices i had in the past in order to get married and get settled. I also want to get married and get settled faster. But I feel that while i am mature enough, my fiance she is not mature enough. She often lives in her own world. She is extremely worried about her career, her job, her finances always. She cares for me sometimes, but she is very egoistic. Again if i am marrying i know i have to keep my eyes open while entering into the marriage that lot of these things are not going away. But i want to make sure of the basics that drive life.
We already talked about children and both agree on that part.
I dont like her mood swings and other stuff, but i know i will have to get used to it with any women.
I dont like her parents interfering in her life. But i also know that little bit or more will come in any girl i marry.
She has given me ultimatum that get married or else we part and stop talking with each other. I told her i completely understand your situation and cant keep you waiting so you can talk with other guys until i am undecided. I need some time and the day i am decided, i will marry with you immediately and even i dont want to take longer but i want to sit down and talk with you about important confusion and issues that drives our life together in the future. She does not like that. She feels insecure and feels that even if she discusses with me if i dont like answers i will leave her. I have done so many things for her in the past and helped her so much and she has admitted several times she loves me very much and she cant live without me
I completely understand her situation that she cant wait for me rest of her life, i have to make decision some day, but what my fears are ‘I dont want our marriage to end in divorce’. There are ups and downs in life, but i dont want a daily quarrel and unhappy domestic life after marriage.
The reason i have doubts about this is because ‘She is very career oriented and she think about herself her career, her fame etc. often and dont worry about me all the times. She is one person sometimes and different person sometimes. When she cares, she cares about me, but more often she is more into her career and what she needs to do and i have a doubt she wants to get married to get settled but is not entering into marriage with her eyes open. I want to make sure we talk about important issues about resolving conflicts, her loyalty and commitment to me etc…
Whereas she says, expect me the way i am or else i cant wait any further. She tells me you should have asked all this in last 6 months.
I tried to ask, but she has mood swings when asked a tough question, yes she is not very bold to face complex questions, she gets a lot of ego when i ask those complex questions and starts walking away. She has lots of positives too.
I am very confused and dont know what to do.
I need help. Please advise what should i do, what should i tell her? Should i even put efforts to marry her or what else is best for my happiness?
Personally, I think it at least takes a year to know if you want to be with someone for the rest of your life. The fact that she is pressuring you and pushing you to get married…this would make anyone nervous. It makes me nervous just reading this. lol While there’s nothing wrong with being goal-oriented and focusing on a career, it seems as if she does not have the ability to create a healthy balance within the relationship. She sounds like an "all or nothing" kind of person where she’s either all about you or all about something else. This can create somewhat of a roller coaster in the relationship.
You are talking about how you have compromised on your end but yet she is saying, "Expect me the way that I am or else". Where’s her ambition to compromise? The fact that you are saying she is one person and then another person is a red flag. How do you know which personality you will be marrying? If she is so quick to swing back and forth with her moods, this will only get worse once you put a ring on your finger. Also, the fact that she has given you an ultimatum after only six months, she is not respecting your wishes to have a little more time to sort things out.
You think the same way I do, when I get married…I plan on it being forever. I wouldn’t count on her changing and the only way it will probably work is if you bend even more. There should be a balance between the two of you and personally, she sounds rather selfish and more focused on herself rather than how all of this is affecting you. It seems to be all about her needs and what she wants and nothing to do about you needing time to gather your thoughts.
Since you are feeling so uneasy about this, I would like to think this is your gut telling you that something isn’t right. Sometimes we focus so much on how we feel and what the heart tells us to do that all of our logic goes out the window. If she doesn’t respect you enough to give you time to mull this over, this is just foreshadowing the future relationship. It will probably always be about her and what makes her happy and never about you and your needs. I think it would be better for you to step back and reevaluate the situation. There’s no reason to rush into this because once the ring is on, that’s a wrap. I know you are in your mid 30s and you are probably thinking "it’s time" to get married and the clock is ticking but there are worst things than being single in your thirties and that’s being married to the wrong person.
s*** or get off the pot…either you marry her or someone else does…you pick.
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Six months = too soon.
Didn’t read the rest.
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Too long, didn’t read all of it, sorry. But from what I gathered, it sounds like you’ll be going into this marriage preparing for it to fail. That’s the wrong attitude and if that’s what you feel than you should not be getting married.
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By the 6 month mark you should know whether this is someone you are going to want in your life "forever"…if you don’t feel that she’s the "one" then let her go…
Add: You don’t have to marry at the 6 month mark though…a promise ring would be nice if you are serious.
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Drop her! There are too many problems to begin with that need to be resolved. Marriage is difficult enough without the array of problems that you listed. Check out my "source" and get an idea what marriage is all about.
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"Marriages, Shack-ups and Other Disasters"
6 months?
Run away as fast as you can. And for god’s sake don’t get her pregnant.
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You have to much doubt to move forward with a ring… Sorry. If you can not deal with the persons faults what makes you think it will change or get better in 20 years. So the question you need to ask yoruself is
Can I live with those faults. and are they her faults or general fault that most people of that sex have.
If you can live with one who is selfish and daily quarrels.. I"m sure she does have positive things in her life. BUt the main question is can you live with the negitive things if they never change?
If you say no then either try to work on them with her or move on!
and 6months too early dude don’t let her push you into doing something you have questioned.. more so when the question is this long.
it’s not cold feet it’s thinking with your head on your shoulders
STay smart!
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and for any female to say you marry me or i’m out.. Really don’t care about the marriage it self they just want a wedding and gifts. They don’t read into the relationship!
6 months? Ultimatum for marriage?
If you don’t feel ready for it, I can’t stress this enough…
-DO NOT DO IT!!!-
The reason I say this is, well, what happens when in another 6 months, everything about her drives you crazy? When you are -looking- to get away from her? You might not think it’ll happen, but, it’s possible.
My best advice is tell her you want to get to know everything you can about her first, before you marry. She might not think it’s a good idea, but, if she can’t wait, then it’s not you who would be the problem in the relationship anyway.
Rushing, more often than not, leads to divorce. It doesn’t matter how loudly someone’s biological clock might be ticking; you should know your future spouse and be totally comfortable with the idea of marriage, before you actually tie the knot.
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This girl is not ready for marriage. You said you want to sit down with her and talk about important issues in your lives and she does not? That is not going to away, guess what life is full of those issues and it will not get easier. To me it is cut and dry, she needs to find another guy! Additionally, you said you compromise all the time but she appears not too. This too will not get better as she now thinks she does not have to compromise since she always gets her way. This union should you proceed with it will end in divorce, so I think you are better off without her. If you compromise all the time and get nothing in return you will soon feel cheated and resentful. Lastly, 6 months is too soon, so don’t do it!
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Been there, done that.
Be glad that this woman has given you an ultimatum, because now you can let her go and not feel guilty. 6 months is not long enough to make a decision on getting married, especially to a girl who clearly has control issues. Your doubts are well founded and you will be wise to pass this one up. If you think you’re having problems with her now, imagine what your life will be like if you get stuck in a marriage with this woman. Controlling women are very insecure and make terrible wives. If you make the mistake of marrying her, you will live a life of misery. Don’t even think about marrying her and PLEASE don’t get her pregnant!
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Personally, I think it at least takes a year to know if you want to be with someone for the rest of your life. The fact that she is pressuring you and pushing you to get married…this would make anyone nervous. It makes me nervous just reading this. lol While there’s nothing wrong with being goal-oriented and focusing on a career, it seems as if she does not have the ability to create a healthy balance within the relationship. She sounds like an "all or nothing" kind of person where she’s either all about you or all about something else. This can create somewhat of a roller coaster in the relationship.
You are talking about how you have compromised on your end but yet she is saying, "Expect me the way that I am or else". Where’s her ambition to compromise? The fact that you are saying she is one person and then another person is a red flag. How do you know which personality you will be marrying? If she is so quick to swing back and forth with her moods, this will only get worse once you put a ring on your finger. Also, the fact that she has given you an ultimatum after only six months, she is not respecting your wishes to have a little more time to sort things out.
You think the same way I do, when I get married…I plan on it being forever. I wouldn’t count on her changing and the only way it will probably work is if you bend even more. There should be a balance between the two of you and personally, she sounds rather selfish and more focused on herself rather than how all of this is affecting you. It seems to be all about her needs and what she wants and nothing to do about you needing time to gather your thoughts.
Since you are feeling so uneasy about this, I would like to think this is your gut telling you that something isn’t right. Sometimes we focus so much on how we feel and what the heart tells us to do that all of our logic goes out the window. If she doesn’t respect you enough to give you time to mull this over, this is just foreshadowing the future relationship. It will probably always be about her and what makes her happy and never about you and your needs. I think it would be better for you to step back and reevaluate the situation. There’s no reason to rush into this because once the ring is on, that’s a wrap. I know you are in your mid 30s and you are probably thinking "it’s time" to get married and the clock is ticking but there are worst things than being single in your thirties and that’s being married to the wrong person.
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